Harry's bad year
by 1024365
Summary: This is what Harry's life would be like if he had endless bad luck. R
1. Chapter 1

A/N:this is a story that is just supposed to be a laugh.

Harry Potter

And the very bad year

Harry woke up; his arm was leaning over the edge of his bed. It hurt a lot. He looked at it and thought "hold on I swear my arm was bigger than that yesterday".

Then he looked across his room to see his trunk whistling loudly, and trying, but failing, to look innocent.

"Damn trunk, that's the fifth time you've bitten me this week" said Harry to his trunk.

To his horror the trunk seemed to become offended.

It didn't seem to like been called a damn trunk.

Growling loudly, it began to bounce across the room towards Harry, who screamed and ran out the room, tripped, and fell down the stairs.

Hearing all the noise, aunt petunia ran out the kitchen clutching a saucepan, and proceeded to hit Harry, thinking he was a burglar.

After been beaten almost unconscious by Aunt Petunia before she realised it was him,

Harry crawled towards the living room, bruised and leaving a small trail of blood behind him.

He climbed onto the couch and began to nurse his injuries. Unfortunately Dudley had decided to watch television and sat down on the couch where Harry lay.

The sofa then went arghhh, and Dudley thought this was an odd noise for a sofa to make and started jumping up and down on the sofa where Harry lay.

All this jumping up and down unsettled Dudley's stomach, which still had curry in from last night, and before Dudley could stop himself, there was a rude noise and a very bad smell filled the room which caused Harry to choke.

As Dudley had never heard a sofa choke before, he ran up stairs to get something while Harry tried to catch his breath.

Dudley came back a bit later carrying baseball bat, and repeatedly hit what he thought was the sofa, but was really Harry. When Dudley finally realised that it was Harry he was hitting, he said "oh it's you" the he continued hitting Harry.

When Harry saved up enough strength he croaked out, "stop hitting me you over grown pie".

Dudley became very offended at this remark, climbed up on the living room table, and dived onto the sofa.

This caused the sofa to break apart into little pieces, and Harry to fall onto the floor with a loud crash.

At that moment, uncle Vernon came running into the room, his face red with fury.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS, BOY?" he yelled at Harry, through a megaphone.

Unfortunately, the megaphone was so powerful that it blasted Harry off the floor, and out the window.

He would have landed on the road, but the neighbours had just come back from the supermarket, carrying their shopping.

This resulted in Harry crashing headlong into them, spilling shopping everywhere.

The woman screamed as if she was been mugged, and proceeded to hit Harry with her handbag.

Her husband picked up Harry by the collar of his shirt, and threw him into the road, causing a car to brake hard, narrowly avoiding him.

At this point Harry's trunk jumped out his bedroom window, growling loudly again.

After devouring the neighbours and the driver of the car, the trunk turned towards Harry, who began crawling down the road as fast as he could.

Just then a police car was driving the other way when he saw this strange sight he stopped his car and said to his radio "officer needing assistance; escaped trunk on privet drive"

A few moments later 3 or 4 police cars pulled into privet drive and a rescue helicopter hovered over head.

Seeing the state Harry was in, the rescue helicopter lowered a harness, and prepared to air lift Harry.

As he was lifted up in the harness however, the trunk jumped and grabbed him by the legs.

As the trunk was so heavy the helicopter couldn't take the weight and fell towards the ground, it would have landed on the ground if the power line hadn't been there.

The helicopter then exploded and Harry, still in the harness with the trunk on his legs, flew through the dursleys living room window where Dudley was standing with his baseball bat.

"STRIKE!" he yelled, and hit Harry with the bat as hard as he could, causing Harry to fly back out the window.

The trunk had dropped off his legs and was now attacking Dudley, who was screaming like a pig (not forgetting he is a pig).

Later Harry went back into the house through the garage where he found uncle Vernon's bent rifle.

Muttering a quick spell, he fixed the rifle, and took it upstairs.

Back in his room he found the trunk growling at him from the corner.

"I've had enough of your antics" he said, pointing the rifle at the now cowering trunk.

"You attack me daily, but today was too much. Now I take my revenge".

BANG BANG BANG

When the trunk did not stop moving, Harry pulled out his wand and conjured a grenade.

Running out from behind his bed, Harry forced the trunk open, and threw the grenade inside.

He slammed the trunk shut and ran out the room, slamming the door behind him.

Just as the door shut, Voldemort appeared behind Harry.

"Harry Potter. We meet again," he said. "Where is that trunk of yours?"

"What do you want with it?" asked Harry.

"It is my last remaining horcrux." Voldemort said. "I must ensure that it remains safe."

Before Harry could respond however, a loud explosion sounded from inside Harry's room, which blew the door off its hinges.

"That was it" Harry said.

However, Voldemort did not respond. Harry looked around and saw that Voldemort had been knocked down the stairs by the door, and now lay unconscious in a pool of blood.

"Oops," said Harry.

Just then, the ministry of magic burst through the window. When they saw Voldemort unconscious, most of them fainted.

The ones that didn't dragged Voldemort away.

Before Harry could do anything, there was a rather loud BANG after which several ministry people dived through the window.

"Harry, get your stuff and get out of here" one of the ministry people said.

"Odd joke, what stuff?" thought Harry as hedisapparated to the Weasleys' house.

What he did not realise was that heapparated ontoa road, just as a car drove past.

The car hit Harry, who flew threw Weasleys' kitchen window, where they were having tea.

Harry landedonthe kitchen table, right on the chicken, causing Mrs. Weasley to scream "ARGHHH THE CHICKEN'S ALIVE!".

She then proceeded to hit what she thought was the chicken with a broom.

"Oh! It's you Harry! My apologies!" said Mrs. Weasley, but Harry did not respond; he was unconscious.

"What are we supposed to do now?" said Ron.

"Put Harry up stairs would you Fred?" said Mrs Weasley.

Fred nodded and he murmured "wingardium leviosa" and floated Harry upstairs, bumping his head against every wall in the house.

When they reached Ron's room, Fred made Harry do a loop in the air, and then crashed him into the bed as hard as he could.

This caused the bed to go through the floors, eventually smashing into the ground.

By this time, the bed had fallen to pieces along with the rest of the house.

"FRED!" yelled Mr. Weasley.

"_Yes?" _trembled Fred, who was still standing in the same spot.

"You're banned from coming to our new house EVER again." said Mr. Weasley

"When you have it that is," Fred muttered, before disapparating.

"Where are we supposed to live now?" asked Ginny

"Shut up" growled Mr. Weasley.

About 26 seconds later, Mr. Weasley had conjured up a temporary house for them to stay in for the night.

Next morning, Harry was woken up after 65,491 bricks fell on his head.

It turned out that George had "accidentally" conjured up a bomb, and dropped it down the stairs.

"GEORGE!" yelled Mr. Weasley at the top of his voice (which was rather loud, especially through a megaphone).

"As I can't throw you out I'll…" said Mr. Weasley.

George looked at his father a bit worried.

"I'll blow you out" he said, and with that he conjured up a canon, put George in it, and fired it.

About an hour later, Ginny, Ron, Harry, Mrs. Weasley and Mr. Weasley were having lunch. As they were doing so, a car pulled up outside the house, and Hermione got out.

"What the hell happened here!" said Hermione. "Did you have a war or something?"

"Better not to ask." said Ron.

The next day, Harry was awoken at 5 in the morning.

"What the?" he said after Ron had shaken him very hard.

"There's someone lurking behind the bush!" squeaked Ron.

Harry conjured up a stun grenade and threw it at the bush.

A few seconds later, Ron and Harry went over to the bush, and found Malfoy out cold.

Harry decided to conjure a makeshift prison, and put Malfoy in it.

Harry then went back to sleep, and when he got up it was 4 o' clock in the afternoon.

He remembered they were going back to Hogwarts tomorrow.

"Harry, have you packed your trunk yet?" asked Ron.

"What a bad joke." thought Harry. "What things do I have to pack?"

"Well?" said Ron impatiently.

"I don't have a lot to pack, or anything to put it in for that matter!" Harry said heatedly.

"When you brats, I mean kids, come home we should have a new, uh, house I think." Mr. Weasley announced proudly as they finished tea.

"When he says 'I think' it usually means no," Ron whispered to Harry.

When it was time to go to bed (or in Ron's case the bed to go to Ron, as he had floated it to him, even though in the process he knocked Harry out cold), Mr. Weasley somehow managed to get his head stuck in the ground.

Next morning at breakfast, Harry's brown juice attempted to drown him, and his bacon ran away and got squashed by a car.

After breakfast, two ministry cars came to pick every one up and take them to the train station.

At the train station, Harry remembered he hadn't let Malfoy out the cage, but he figured that he had disapparated back home when he saw him getting onto the train.

When Harry got on the train, he found an empty carriage which stayed empty through the whole journey as Ron and Hermione had to go to the prefects' carriage.

But through most of the journey to Hogwarts, they were too busy disarming a bomb or 6 that an idiot had left lying around.

Ron and Hermione were having a lot of trouble, so they went back for more help.

Neville tripped over a rock, and landed on the detonator, causing a large explosion as the back two carriages exploded.

Fortunately from Harry's point of view, Malfoy had been at the very back of the last carriage.

Even more fortunately, Ron had been on the fourth carriage but Hermione, who had only just left the back carriages, was blown right to the front of the first carriage.

When they reached the train station, Ron, Harry and Hermione met up again and slowly walked towards Hogwarts.

Suddenly there was another explosion behind them, as the whole train had blown up and flown 200ft into the air.

After running back and helping a few first years, everybody made it safely to Hogwarts (except Malfoy).

In the great hall, a lot fewer first years were about than usual.

Harry wondered whether this was because of the explosion of the train, or because of the general lack of witches and wizards.

After the extremely short sorting ceremony, Dumbledore said a few words (nitwit blubber oddment tweak) and everyone started eating.

However, Ron had already eaten most of the things on the table, which greatly annoyed everybody else.

To be continued…

(As long as I don't get too many bad reviews)


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

After eating all the food, Ron looked at his stomach, which was 4 times its usual size.

He reached down to eat the last chicken drumstick, when there was a loud rumbling noise, and a huge cloud of green smoke erupted out of Ron.

"oh dear" said Ron, as his trousers split in half.

Several girls screamed as Ron's pants showed, patterned with little pink flowers.

A pile of first years fled the room and the second and third years conjured up gas masks.

Harry quickly pulled out his invisibility cloak, to hide the embarrassment as Ron tried to get up, but failed and fell on the floor his legs waving around attempting to hide his underwear.

Harry looked around there was no sign of Hermione but at least the smoke was fading.

Ron was standing up with the help of Dumbledore and a few other teachers (the rest had either fled or fainted).

Harry slowly made his way back to Gryffindor tower, he got to the usual portrait but there was something different about it.

Harry heard some feet coming up behind him.

It was Hermione Quickly taking off his invisbilty cloak Harry said "Hello"

Hermione, startled by Harry's sudden appearance, tripped over and fell back down the stairs and crashed into a pile of first years, who proceeded to yell and/or swear.

Somebody yelled "Harry!" and he instantly turned, and to his horror he realized why the entrance portrait had looked different; the lady on it was getting changed!

She screamed and Harry looked away, and then found himself looking face to face with Snape.

Harry, so surprised, yelled "Holly crap" and staggered back a few steps.

"Snape, what are you doing here?" said Dumbledore, who had suddenly appeared,

This frightened Snape, who dived forward onto Harry who, squawked loudly.

After Snape had gone along with Dumbledore, who had briefly told harry the password to get into Gryffindor tower, Harry stood there and then fainted, when he saw Ron... at normal size!

Ron, realizing what had happened, mentioned the password to the lady on the portrait (finished getting changed now), and dragged Harry inside the tower.

As they entered there were a few gasps and a few first years passed out.

Ron glared at a couple who had been joking about Ron's "little accident".

After stuffing Harry into bed, Ron looked round to see Harry's trunk bouncing towards him.

Ron froze, his trousers fell down to unleash his underpants, which soon fell down as well.

The trunk shrieked as something unpleasant came into view, Ron turned so the trunk was now facing a bot which had "if found return to Ron" written on it.

After pulling up his pants and trousers Ron pulled out his wand and conjured up a 'trunk destroyer 3000', the trunk saw this thought back to his training, and then sped out the room whimpering.

Ron, relieved, sighed and put down the gun.

Instantly the trunk, growling loudly, came bouncing back into the room.

Horrified, Ron picked up the 'trunk destroyer 3000' and opened fire.

Fortunately for the trunk, Ron had been trembling and missed the trunk, and hit Seamus, blew him off the floor and out the window; there was then a faint scream, followed by a splash.

Half an hour later the trunk was tied up and hanging out the window.

They could still hear it growl, but that was just about it.

Every one had been asleep, except Ron who had been reading one of Harry's comics, until the door opened and Seamus walked in, dripping wet.

Ron had time to say "hello", before Seamus had thrown a book at him, called 'knock out spells'.

Ten minutes later every one was asleep except Neville's toad, Trevor, which had been hopping around for signs of warmth and food.

Trevor eventually found a blanket and some biscuits, and then settled down to start scoffing the biscuits.

The next day Harry awoke to hear a loud explosion.

Harry, alarmed sat up to see Ron and Seamus throwing grenades at Harry's trunk, which was trying to kill them.

"Why's he attacking you?" asked Harry

"I dunno" answered Ron

"He's my trunk and he does not just attack people" snapped Harry, even at that moment he remembered earlier that year his trunk had killed his neighbors.

"Alright alright" yelled Ron, his voice just louder than Seamus's grenade.

"We stole his favorite CD " gasped Ron, just finishing his sentence before the trunk was blown across the room, through the wall taking Ron and Seamus with it.

Harry shrugged his shoulders, got dressed and went into Gyriffindor dormitory, to find himself looking at a crater in the ground.

"Why am I not surprised?" Harry thought to himself.

Hermione then came over to him and said "some idiot thought it would be funny to conjure up a bomb".

"Who was that idiot?" Harry asked.

"Ron, surprisingly" Hermione said.

Harry looked around and noticed Neville holding his toad, 4 times fatter than usual, it reminded him of the first day back, he shuddered at the thought.

After the normal breakfast, (brown juice tried to drown him, bacon ran off and his bread was made of cement), Harry went to his first lesson; potions class with Snape.

There was suddenly a growl and Harry's trunk crashed through the celling and landed on Snape, who Harry hadn't seen although Snape only would have been there to give Harry detention for sneezing or something.

Professor McGonagall saw all this and told Harry lessons would be over for the day, and to return to his room - or at least what was left of it... Harry decided against going back to his ex-room, and headed off to the bathrooms.

In the bathroom Harry was tempted to peer into giant hole in the wall, where a faint growling was coming from, but decided that the growling was probably his trunk.

Harry then left the bathroom, and headed back to his room, when the portrait swung round, Harry's eyes widened with fear.

George and Fred were wiring up a nuclear bomb.

Harry cautiously stepped inside and said; "George what the bloody hell are you doing?"

"Oh hello Harry, isn't obvious what we're doing? replied George.

"Yes ... but why?" spluttered Harry, on the brink of conjuring up a stun grenade and knocking them out.

"You know, we haven't thought of that one Harry old chum" Fred suddenly said.

Harry was about to through the stun grenade that he had conjured up, but then there was a scream as Hermione fell, or rather fainted, in.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Harry, extremely confused, threw his stun grenade.

But because he had been so confused, he had accidentally thrown the stun grenade out the window.

There was a faint bang; then a cat flew through the window and down the corridor.

Then a cow, then a horse, a jellyfish, a dog and finally a giant squid.

Fred and George laughed.

George was moving his hand towards the detonator when suddenly Harry's trunk, growling as loudly as ever, flew through the wall and devoured Fred and George.

Harry took the chance and ran as fast as his little beaten-into-crap legs would carry him.

He ran down the stairs; he was just stepping off the stairs when they moved.

Harry then found himself falling down 6 floors so quickly, he conjured up a parachute and floated down.

When he reached the bottom he landed on Dumbledore, who proceeded to run around screaming.

"ARGHHHHH! MY DREAM'S TRUE! VOLDEMORT IS INVADING!" yelled Dumbledore.

"Hey, all I wanted was a cup of tea and a digestive biscuit" said Voldemort, who had just walked in and was starting to cry.

Dumbledore stopped. "Oh" he said and passed out.

Ron, who had been standing there watching, conjured up a mattress and slid it under Dumbledore as he fainted.

Unfortunately the mattress was so springy that Dumbledore bounced off it, out the window and off into the distance.

Kenny (one of the first years) walked in and started pulling faces at Voldemort, who was reaching for his wand.

"Hey Harry" said Ron.

"Yeah?" replied Harry.

"I think everything is O.K now, Voldemort is been nice for once..." said Ron.

"Holy crap! Get down!" yelled Harry as he dived to the floor taking Ron with him. As Voldemort shrieked "avada kadavra" a bolt of lighting shot over Ron's head.

"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" yelled Ron.

"You bastard!" yelled Harry and with that he conjured up a bazooka and blew Voldemort into tiny little pieces.

"Oh dear" said Harry.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Just as Harry and Ron were celebrating the downfall of Voldemort, a loud bang sounded from the other side of the room, and 2 Voldemorts appeared.

Before Harry or Ron could move, both of the Voldemorts started to advance towards them.

Ron looked at Harry and gulped.

"You know Harry, I think this might be the end, so I just wanted to tell you something."

Harry looked at Ron, a very worried look in his eyes, and started to back away.

"Hey!" said Ron, looking offended. "No need to walk away. Since we're about to die, I think you should know that I love you, and I always have."

Harry just stared at Ron for 2 minutes, not saying a word, before screaming as loud as he could.

Ron looked very upset, and started to cry.

"I was hoping you would love me too, and we could ride off into the sunset, and live happily ever after" Ron said,through the sobs.

Harry looked, if possible, even more scared at this thought, and eyed his wand, and then Ron, and then his wand.

Before he could curse Ron into the sunset, a loud girlish scream echoed through the room.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH there is another dark lord in the room!" screamed one of the Voldemorts, pulling out his wand and advancing on the other Voldemort.

Within 15 seconds, the 2 Voldemorts were involved in a fierce duel with each other.

At this point, Dumbledore walked in, a mattress still stuck to his head, and walked over to Ron.

"I believe this is yours" said Dumbledore, dumping the mattress on Ron.

Harry ran to Dumbledore, and began thanking him over and over.

"Thank you professor" said Harry, "i thought he was going to kiss me soon".

Dumbledore looked as worried as Harry had done earlier, and conjured up 15 more mattresses on top of Ron, who gave a muffled "ow".

At that point, there was a loud shout, and one of the Voldemorts flew across the room, and hit the wall, dead.

Like before, 2 more Voldemorts appeared, but landed on top of the mattress with Ron underneath, who squawked.

Before long, the room was full with Voldemorts, all fighting with each other.

Dumbledore started to laugh, conjured a sofa and some popcorn, and sat down to watch the show.

Harry, seeing that the situation might unfold into something ugly, quietly backed out of the room, and was about to lock the door before he realised Ron was still under the pile of mattresses.

Part of him thought it would serve Ron right to stay there, but his morals told him that he should get Ron, even if he did try to kiss Harry earlier.

Cursing his morals, Harry went back into the room, and almost fainted at the sight before him.

Ron, Dumbledore, and the 42 Voldemorts that now existed, were sitting round a table in the center of the room drinking tea from cups that looked suspiciously like the ones that Sybil Trelawney, the divination teacher, had in her office.

Before Harry could react, Dumbledore jumped to his feet and announced loudly, "Harry old chap! So glad to see you could make it to our nice tea party here! Won't you sit down and have a spot of tea?"

"But - but - but" Harry stammered, looking around at all the Voldemorts talking and laughing, "what happened here?"

"We decided to put our differences aside for today" a Voldemort announced happily. "All that killing got a bit old don't you think?"

Harry had to pinch himself several times to make sure that this wasn't a dream ("that would explain a lot" he thought to himself).

Unfortunately, Ron, who had been watching Harry with an unnatural interest, seemed to think that Harry wanted to be pinched, and leaped out of his seat, and began pinching Harry as much as he could.

"Get off me, you stupid doorknob" Harry yelled at Ron, throwing him across the room with his wand.

Ron hit the wall on the other side of the room, and stood up looking a bit dazed.

"That's not a very nice way to treat your lover, Harry" he said.

"I AM NOT YOUR LOVER!" Harry screamed.

But before he could do anything else, 14 of the Voldemorts had surrounded him, all pointing their wands at him.

"Now, play nice, or we'll have to kill you." one of them said.

This statement was so absurd, that Harry fell on the floor laughing for a full 5 minutes, while everyone else in the room looked at him very strangely.

After recovering from his laughing fit, Harry stood up, cleared his throat, and decided that he needed to get out of there as fast as possible.

"Where are you going? You can't leave!" one of the Voldemorts exclaimed as Harry walked towards the door.

"And who's going to stop me?" Harry questioned. "You? And what army?"

"This army." The Voldemort replied, summoning all the other 41 to his side.

To be continued... probably.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Harry sighed.

"No point in killing them; only more would appear" he thought sadly.

"Make a move and your dead" said one out of 42 Voldemorts.

Suddenly the most strange thing happened, although Harry was still grateful for what happened as it probably saved his life - horrible as it was, it was is only life.

"Dumbledore!, some thing terrible has happened!" yelled an Imp which had just parachuted in from a random hole in the celling.

The Imp landed on the floor and made a dent as, he was rather over weight and was using a banana skin as his parachute.

"Dumbledore sir, Ron's nose... " he said gasping for breath - as he was running away from Tiddles the kitty - kat that Voldemort owned and loved with all his heart (which was rather like a moldy, shriveled up potato).

"Ron's nose its been sto... " the Imp spluttered as Tiddles ate him, or rather pulled out a sledge hammer and bashed him over the head until, he had bashed him through the floor and into the basment.

Then 150 more Imps, with guns and little army helmets parachuted in from the celling and commenced battle with Tiddles.

Tiddles was to pleased for words, and pulled out a Browning machine gun and opened fire.

One of the last remaining Imps ran to Dumbledore and said; "Sir, Ron's nose its been stolen!" then a bullet from Tiddles machine gun found its target and the imp was dead.

"Oh crap" said Dumbledore.

"Why oh crap, sir?" said Harry.

"I mean its only worth 50p at max" said Harry.

"No it the last remaining porthole leading to Pluto, it is worth about the amount the entire school is worth, Harry." said Dumbledore.

"What are we going to do?" said Tiddles.

"Shut up Tiddles" said 41 Voldemorts (the 42nd was reading the Beano).

To be continued in a few decades...


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"But why do we need a porthole to Pluto?" said Harry, as usual, confused.

At this point, the 42 Voldemorts left the room to attend their lunch, and feed Tiddles.

"Because that is where the wizard emperor lives" said Dumbledore, who was sucking his thumb, which he was dipping in treacle.

"I know!" said Harry.

"Lets fly to Mars!" He continued.

"but first give me some of your treacle" said Harry to Dumbledore, trying, but failing to get his finger into the vast pot.

"NO!!!" yelled Dumbledore.

"BUT I WANT SOME!" Harry yelled back.

"NO!, you can't have any" cried Dumbledore.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" yelled Harry, pointing his wand at the treacle.

"Oops..." said Harry, as treacle was blasted around the room with immense force.

After some considerable effort he managed to unstick his eyes and he then peered around the room.

Dumbledore was stuck to the wall, about 10ft up, and trying to unpeel his robes from the light fittings.

He gave Harry an evil look, which reminded him of when Pooh Bear's honey pot had run out.

Dumbledore suddenly came unstuck and crashed to the floor.

Harry jumped up and made for the door "I'm going to Mars" he said, as Dumbledore reached for his wand, with a nasty look in his eyes.

Harry was just about to open the door, when the door collapsed.

When the smoke and dust cleared George came into view, holding a bazooka, with 41 Voldemorts behind him, as one of them had got his head stuck in the ground.

"You're not going any where" charmed the Voldemorts.

Suddenly the floor under Harry set alight, which caused Harry to pull out all his hair which quickly regrew.

At this point Harry dived sideways for no good reason, except maybe to get his head stuck in the ground.

Suddenly a figure fell from the celling, this figure turned out to be Ron (without his nose), who had been blasted there by the 'treacle incident'.

Ron ran over to Harry, and grabbed onto his legs and starting trying to pull Harry out of the ground.

Unfortunately, this caused Harry's trousers to come off and out the window and off into the distance.

"Whoops" said Ron, making towards the exit.

"Hey, why's it suddenly so cold?" Harry asked.

Then the floor exploded, and Harry was blown out the window, and into the pond.

Harry got out the pond and ate his shoe, before climbing into the window and eating his other shoe.

When Harry looked around, he noticed that the were twice as many Voldemorts than be for, 84 Voldemorts to be exact.

"Why are the more Voldemorts than usual?" said Harry, eating some random bananas.

"Because, Ron got hold of my machine gun I was going to mow you down with" said Dumbledore sadly.

"So I guess I have to use this lawn mower" Dumbledore continued.

Harry looked worried, as the lawnmower was 15ft tall and about 25ft wide.

Dumbledore turned it on and drove it towards Harry.

"Oh crap" said Harry.

Dumbledore sped up.

Harry conjured up a broomstick, which broke after Ron threw a grenade at it.

Harry jumped out the window, and then ate his sock before throwing up violently.

Dumbledore broke threw the wall with his lawnmower.

"Surrender Harry, there's nothing that will save you now!" shouted Dumbledore.

"I bet something will save me" thought Harry.

"But what?" he thought.

Suddenly a train landed on Dumbledore squashing him and his lawnmower.

"That wasn't the first thing on my list of what might save me" said Harry.

"Hello Harry" said Hagrid who was in the drivers seat in the train.

Harry blinked and then blinked again and then somehow got his head stuck in the ground.

Suddenly 40 Voldemorts ran out, the other 44 jumped out the window, and proceeded to hit Hagrid over the head with a Waitrose bag.

At this point Ron walked out and started fishing in the pond.

Ron then noticed his nose next to him, he picked it up, and attached it to his fishing line to use as bait.

Suddenly a giant squid jumped out of the pond and killed Ron, all the Voldemorts and Hagrid.

It turned towards Harry...

To be continued... ?

PLEASE REVIEW!!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

The total and utter bizarity of the situation Harry was in suddenly struck him, and against all odds, he began to laugh. 

While he was in a laughing fit rolling around on the floor, the giant squid seemed to hear the laughter too.

Harry looked at the squid, very concerned for his life since the squid was so much bigger than he was, and drew his wand just in case.

However, the squid then burst into what could only be described as laughter as well, and rolled around in the lake waving it's tentacles in the air.

Unfortunately, this disruption in the water caused a tidal wave to sweep across the lake, headed for Harry, and what remained of Ron, Hagrid and the Voldemorts.

Just as the wave was about to hit, 168 Voldemorts spawned beside Harry, and quickly surrounded him.

"We've waited so long for this," one of them snarled. "And no possible force is going to stop us from killing you this time"

For the first time in a long time, Harry smiled.

"Hate to break up your party," he said as the Voldemorts raised their wands as one, "but I think there's a force that's planning to stop you doing that just behind you"

"We will not be fooled by such simple trickery," one of them snarled. "Now prepare to die. AVADA KEDA-"

At that point, the tidal wave struck, and Harry pulled out a surf board that he had been conveniently carrying.

With a load crash, and several anguished yells. all 168 Voldemorts were swept off down into the depths of the Hogwarts lake, while Harry tried to master surfing a 372ft tidal wave.

Just as he thought he was about to drown, Harry seemed to master surfing the wave.

"Yes! I am the greatest!" he thought to himself, attempting to show off to anyone who happened to be watching.

Just as he was coming down the final trough of the wave and preparing to jump onto the shore, he spotted a group of other students watching him in awe, and attempted to do a backflip, to show off his skill.

The onlooking students gasped as he left the water, and landed perfectly, and then winced horribly as he crashed face first into a low hanging branch of the whomping willow.

Bruised and bleeding from his ordeal with the willow, Harry crawled back up to the castle, hoping to finally get a good night's sleep.  
Just as he got to the castle however, Professor McGonagal came out the entrance, and spotted him.

"Where have you been, Mr Potter?" she demanded forcefully, pulling him up by the ear.

"I - I've been out - outside," Harry gasped, trying to ignore the searing pain in his ear that was currently supporting most of his body weight.

"And what, may I ask, were you doing outside at this time of night?" Professor McGonagal asked dangerously, lifting Harry up even further by his ear.

"Ow - weeding the - ow - garden?" Harry replied sheepishly.

"Detention." Professor McGonagal replied, throwing Harry to the floor. "For the next month, with Professor Snape. You can help him clean out cauldrons"

"Fine." Harry replied with a groan. "Can I go to bed now?"

Professor McGonagal's nostrils flared, but she nodded, and Harry proceeded to his dormitory.

He kicked the door open, and collapsed on his bed with a thump, and was drifting off to sleep, when there was a strange creaking noise from above his head.

Extremely alarmed, Harry shot up with his wand in his hand, and hit his head very hard on the post of his bed.

In his agony, he yelled out several curses, while holding his throbbing head to try and relieve the pain.

Unfortunately, the curses he yelled, in combination with his wand in hand, caused his bed to catch fire, followed by the entire dormitory.

"Just my luck," said Harry angrily, stamping out his trouser leg. "Now what am I supposed to do"

Looking around the dormitory quickly, he spotted the only possible way out from the raging fire.

With one angry sigh, he jumped out the window.

* * *

Please review. 


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER 8**

When Harry jumped out of the window, he was batted by the whomping willow out of the grounds and onto an abnormal frog, who was about to eat an abnormal fly.

Unfortunately the frog was very bouncy causing Harry to bounce back through his window where he then set alight; he then jumped out the window (again).

Fortunately the whomping was chasing 168 Voldemorts (who had spawned at this point) so Harry bounced off a trampoline and straight back into his dormitory.

Harry was about to jump out the window again when he spotted something.

1 minute later Harry jumped out the window riding a pigeon.

Harry landed perfectly by the train station, although he didn't stop well enough…

Pulling himself out the bush Harry sighed and boarded the train home.

Half-way home the train stopped, and the train was invaded by dead eaters (hence the name).

"Have you got any dead?" The dead eaters said.

"Fraid not' "replied Harry.

"Sure?"

"Positive" said Harry.

"Shame" said the dead eaters. "Would you like to be dead?" they continued. Harry shifted uneasily in his seat when the train started again with such a jolt that they all went flying.

Then there was a loud explosion. The loo door blew off and knocked the dead eaters clean out of the carriage and Harry breathed a sigh of relief.

Suddenly the train stopped, it stopped for a full five minutes.

When it started it started so violently, Harry flew out the window and off into the distance.

When Harry landed, he landed bulls-eye on Uncle Vernon's toe.

"YARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Uncle Vernon yelled so loudly that Harry was blown across the street and into the neighbours.

Unfortunately all Harry's neighbours were criminals, so they beat Harry into pulp.

Harry only saved himself by taking off his shoe; allowing the poisonous stench to escape.

The criminals fell to the floor, dead.

Harry turned around; the Dursleys were all long gone.

He looked at the house that he had lived in for so many unpleasant years.

There was a note on the door; "To Harry we don't like you so we moved, we will not tell you are new address. P.S our new address is 13 buttocks lane, death field isle of Wight".

Harry conjured up a broomstick and broke it into 4 bits.

Then Harry conjured up a net, caught a pigeon and flew to the Isle of Wight.

Half way across the sea the pigeon caught mad cow disease and died mid-flight.

"Damn, damn, damn, DAMN" shrieked Harry.

Suddenly Harry saw something.

Five minutes later Harry approached the Isle of Wight on a sea gull.

Harry heard something he turned his head only to see a Tomhawk missile coming straight for him.

Harry jumped off his sea gull and fell straight through the roof of the dursleys house, Harry landed directly onto the cat, causing it to be squashed flat under 1 tonnes pressure.

Uncle Vernon was just about to drown Harry in the fire when the doorbell rang.

"Harry, it's for you, there are 168 people out here, they say there all called Voldemort and they want to kill you" shouted the parrot.

To be continued…..


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

"Hmmm… people want to kill Harry? Excellent…" said Uncle Vernon, stroking his chin.

"Why don't you go out and play in the road Harry? It'll be fun!" said Dudley.

"Yes come on then Dudley!" said Harry.

"What no, I…" stuttered Dudley looking at his parents (who were loading a rifle) for help.

Uncle Vernon loaded the rifle.

"Off you go now boys, play in the road with this ball!" said Vernon, giving them a flat ball.

"But dad…" whined Dudley.

"Don't be difficult Dudley" snapped Uncle Vernon.

"Come on Vernon, be fair" said Petunia.

Vernon pulled the trigger on his rifle, decapitating Aunt Petunia.

"You bastard" whispered Dudley.

"I say, jolly good show old chap!" laughed Harry, a huge grin on his face.

WHAM!

Harry fell on the floor unconscious.

10 minutes later Harry awoke to find himself being dragged out the doorway by Dudley and Uncle Vernon.

"Right that's him gone let's go back inside dad!" Said Dudley, making for the door.

"WAIT, DAD IM NOT IN YET, OPED THE DAMN DOOR!" shrieked Dudley, thumping on the door.

Harry looked around, he saw Voldemort after Voldemort after Voldemort.

Dudley joined Harry's side.

"Excuse me, but why are you all exactly the same?" Dudley asked one of the 168 Voldemorts.

All the Voldemorts burst out laughing.

"Was it something I said?" asked Dudley.

"Harry?" said Dudley.

"Harry where are you?" whimpered Dudley.

A bit of dirt landed on Dudley's foot.

Dudley looked over at the source of the dirt.

A hole the size of a small pig was by the wall.

The laughter from the crowd of Voldemorts began to fade.

Dudley peered inside the hole, it was a motorway sized tunnel, and Harry was at the other end.

Harry looked behind him, there was Dudley looking overwhelmed.

A Voldemort popped through the hole.

"Excuse me but there's another 167 people behind me who want to come through here, can we keep it moving?" said Voldemort No.134.

The ground above Harry gave way, to 167 Voldemorts.

Harry pulled himself from the rubble made for the turning that led to the M27.

"Harry wait up!" yelled Dudley.

Harry ran up the hill and into the open.

Dudley was still at least a mile behind him.

Harry sped up, when he hit something hard.

He fell over, onto the stones.

Suddenly Harry was surrounded by all 170 Voldemorts (one was killed in the motorway incident).

Voldemort No.1 stepped forward his wand in his hand.

The order was given to turn Harry as dead as a rather dead thing.

But then over horizon, surrounding the Voldemorts came the deafening roar of, Harry's trunk.

Automatically Harry threw himself on the floor, his hands on his head.

Harry closed his eyes for ten seconds, before looking up to see blood every where.

There was an almighty burp, from Harry's trunk.

It had eaten all the Voldemorts, Harry saluted the trunk.

THE END.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

A/N: I know, I Know. in the last chapter i sed it was over. but i changed my mind. im gonna add more and more chapters FOREVER! so we continue this story with the day harry sets off to hogwarts for another year :).

Harry woke up and lay with his eyes closed, absorbing the atmosphere and the peacefulness of the darkness.

He had almost drifted back to sleep, when he felt a strange warmness in his legs. Bolting upright, he looked down in growing alarm as he realised his trousers were on fire.

Jumping out of bed with a shriek, he proceeded to run about the room like a headless chicken, when Fred and George fell out the cupboard, laughing.

"FRED? GEORGE?" yelped Harry almost toppling out the window.

"Aguamenti!" laughed Fred, pointing at Harry's trousers.

"Y y- y- you were e- e- e- eaten, b- by my t- t- trunk?!?" whimpered Harry.

"Nahhhh your trunk is a porthole to Mars, we got the knight bus home" said George, wiping his eyes.

"Then Dad made us collect you for Hogwarts" Fred sighed.

"LEVICORPUS" yelled George.

Harry flew up in to the air by his ankles.

"What was your explanation for that?" growled Harry.

George began to explain to Harry that there was no real explanation, he just felt like it.

In the meantime, Fred was absentmindedly looking through Harry's trunk, to see if he could find any incriminating evidence that might get Harry sent to Azkaban for a short time.

As George was talking to Harry, Fred realised that this was the same trunk which tried to eat him only the year before.

Fred looked at the trunk.

The trunk looked at Fred.

Fred looked at the trunk with a raised eyebrow.

The trunk growled at Fred.

"And that, Harry, is why -" George paused as there was an almighty roar and a bang from the other side of the room.

Dropping Harry to the floor with a thud ("Oww!" whined Harry), George looked round at the trunk in exasperation, only to see Fred's shoe beside it.

"Not again." He sighed. "Bad trunk!"

The trunk whimpered and shuffled to the corner.

"Oi! Come back here with my brother!" George called after it, before Harry tackled it.

George picked it up and began to perform the Heimlich maneuver to try and "rescue" his brother.

With a rather sickening squelching sound, Harry thought, Fred appeared, holding a pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks.

"What was that for?" he demanded, brandishing the socks at George. "I was only looking for these!"

"Stay away from me with those!" Harry said, diving under the bed on the other side of the room.

Later, at London Kings Cross station, Harry began the charge at the 9 Harry's trolley was a milimetre from the wall when two things happened; Harry's trolley bounced off the wall and Harry realised his trolley was not a trolley but was a woman's pram with her baby in it.

The woman started to scream, security ran towards Harry and Fred pointed at the sign of the wall that read 'Platform 8'.

Harry dived sideways, James bond style, grabbed his firebolt and shussed straight down the train station.

"YOU CAN'T ESCAPE ME" yelled one of the security guys.

Harry shot straight through the 9 wall and out of sight.

"Maybe he can, where'd he go?" said the security guy, rather confused.

Harry was now being unstuck from the wall (which he had crashed into) by other students.

"Harry what happened?" asked Hermione.

"Don't ask O.K?" Snapped Harry, falling to the ground and looking at the remains of his firebolt.

TO BE CONTINUED... 


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11 "But harry - " continued Hermione.

"I said dont ask" said Harry in a fustrated way.

"Hi harry!" said Ron loudly running over.

"WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?" yelled Harry.

"n- n- nothing" said Ron slightly upset.

"How about we get on the train?" said Hermione.

"I thought it blew up last year?" asked Harry, slightly confused.

"Well Dumbledore repared it with the elder wand" said Ron.

"Ok... thets go" said Harry, casting a glance at his firebolt.

As usual Ron and Hermione went to the prefects carrige and Harry got a carrige with Nevile.

After an hour or two, Harry got bored of twiddling his thumbs and took to staring at Nevile instead.

Nevile was starting to twitch uneasly, when suddenly Crabbe and Goyle blasted the door open, to be blown out again by Harry and Nevile.

Neither Harry or Nevile noticed Crabbe and Goyle getting trampled on by an elephant that had being walking by.

A few minutes later, Ron wandered in to the carrige with Hermione.

"Hogwarts has been attacked by terriosts and is in ruins and the muggle army is swarming over the area" said Ron with a smirk on his face.

"And the ministry has declared war on the muggle army..." said Hermione sadly.

"All the wizards are gathering at Hogsmeade, including Voldemort - get a grip Ron - and his death eaters!" Continued Hermione in an excited voice.

"Cool! i cant wait!" said Nevile.

"The trains arriving in half an hour, so get ready" said Ron with a massive grin on his face.

"We've got to warn everyone else, see you in 10 minutes" said Hermione walking out the carrige with Ron.

Harry turned back to Nevile, who was obviously thinking very hard as he was emitting a loud buzzing sound.

"This is gonna be great!" exclaimed Harry.

This caused Nevile to jump, causing trevor to fly out the window.

"Oh crap, not again, ACCIO TREVOR!" said Nevile.

At these words Trevor came flying back and splatted against the window, exploding with frog guts going every where.

"Nice!" said Harry.

5 minutes later the train began to slow down and came to a sudden stop sending everyone flying to the front of the train.

After untangling himself from numerous other people Harry climbed out the train with enormous difficulty.

After about an hour everyone had been extracted from the train, and lined up in ranks of 20 with every other wizard or witch in england.

"This is gonna be great" said Fred.

"Good morning every one" said Dumbledore using a spell to louden his voice.

"As you probbaly know already, we are about to attack the muugle army that has taken over Hogwarts" he continued.

"And so we will now advance and kill all of those muggles, they are armed with devices that fire bits of metal and if used correctly can kill" Dumbledore said.

"And so now we go, use the avada curse and kill all muggle invaders!" finished Dumbledore.

"CHARGE!" shreiked Voldermort (one voldermort had survied Harry's trunk and had agreed not to double in number upon death).

All the wizards and witches ran forwards towards Hogwarts screaming war cries.

Meanwhile at Hogwarts.

"Sir, about 10,000 freaks are charging towards our postion!" reported a soldier to his commander.

"Shit, these must be the wizards... PRIVATE! call emidate backup, tanks planes everything, got it?" said the commander to a random private who had a radio.

Meanwhile with the wizards and witches.

"Nearly there!" yelled Dumbledore.

Suddenly a loud rattiling sound erupted and several wizards yelled in pain and fell to the ground dead.

"Their firing at us! AVADA KEDAVA!" yelled Voldermort.

Then there was a whistling sound and an explosion and several witches and wizards went flying.

"What the ?, i thought muggles couldnt do magic?" said Ron very confused.

"No they can't, but they still have cannons" replied Harry.

Several green flashes erupted around them as curses flew at the muggles.

Then Hogwarts came into view it was covered with muggles running around.

Several flashes were erupting from strange metal shaped things that the muggles were holding.

Every wizard and witch lifted their wand, took aim and yelled the same curse, a blinding green light and half the muggles dropped dead.

Harry could just about here some of the soldiers yelling into their radios;  
"This is juliet 65, were taking heavy casualties and need imediate air support now, over" yelled a commander into his radio.

TO BE CONTINUED... 


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Harry woke up, screaming 'ITS GONNA BE OK RON! ITS GONNA BE OK!' at the top of his voice.

Ron was looking at him with a puzzled expression, while all the other roomates were slowly backing out the door.

"Oh sorry, i musta bin having flashback from vietnam." said Harry, wiping the sweat off his brow.

"Whats vietnam?" asked Ron.

Harry was just going into explain the vietnam conflict, when suddenly his trunk started barking at the door.

Suddenly the door was knocked upon.

"Hey open up! its me! Snape!" said snape.

Harry opened the door very slowly, while Ron cowered behind he life sized portrait of Hannah Montanna (which he claimed was for muggle studies, despite Harry pointing out that he didnt take muggle studdies).

"Okay" said Snape, "Can you guys PLEASE teach me how to wash my hair? its so greasy it makes squeaky sounds!"

At this point a butterfly landed on Snapes head, and instantly dissolved into a puff of smoke.

10 MINUTES LATER.

Snape was shampooing his hair for the 5th time, black goo still being washed out. Harry was worried it might dissolve the shower.

1HOUR AND 10 MINUTES LATER.

Harry peered down the gaping hole in the floor, where the shower used to be.

Snapes hair (which they washed 50ish times) was finally cleaned.

His newly cleaned hair, revealed he was blonde.

Harry noticed Ron gazing at snape, with unatural interest.

After Snape left, Everybody went down to breakfast. The main disscusion was snapes hair. Everybody had forgotten about Harry's nightmare.

Then, everybody went silent. Snape walked in. He swished his hair and winked at some girls, everybody burst out laughing.

Snape hung his head and shuffled to his table, only to have Dumbledore flirt with him.

===================================================

The next day, it suddenly occured to Harry that nothing bad had happened to him yet.

As he lay in bed, he decided to enjoy the peace as long as possible. He managed to ignore Ron's hair catching fire.

However he had trouble ignoring when Fred started stuffing Harry into the washing machine.

After the fast spin, Harry met up with Hermione to go to bioligy. (Ron was seeing the matron because his hair was on fire).

Harry was just enjoying burying Neville in a plant pot, when suddenly. THE DOOR BLASTED OFF ITS HINGES!

When the smoke cleared, Voldermort's son emerged. EXCEPT he was dressed as a surfer.

"I'm here to avenge moldie (voldemort)" said Ed (Voldemort's son).

"Who killed him?" enquired Ed.

Harry stepped up to Ed, so their faces were an inch apart.

"My trunk." He said.

"your what?" asked Ed.

"my Trunk" said Harry.

Your trunk?" Asked Ed.

"yes. My trunk." said Harry.

"huh?" said Ed, Confused.

"My trunk." He said.

"your what?" asked Ed.

"my Trunk" said Harry.

"Your trunk?" Asked Ed.

"yes. My trunk." said Harry.

"huh?" said Ed, Confused.

"My trunk." He said.

"your what?" asked Ed.

"my Trunk" said Harry.

"Your trunk?" Asked Ed.

"yes. My trunk." said Harry.

"I see. Said Ed" said Ed.

"Yes. Said Harry" said Harry.

"Lets discuss this matter over tea." Said Ed "See you at four. Be there."

Hermione was very confused over this talk, so to pass the time she threw Plants at slytherins.

=======LATER AT FOUR=======

Harry cautiosly entered the room.

Ed was sat there, dressed up formerly with a top hat.

The room was full of posh objects.

Harry felt out of place.

Ed slowly turned his chair around (which was hard because it didnt have wheels).

"So, we meet AGAAAAARRRGGHHHHHHH" said Ed, because the cat he was stroking, stuck its claws out.

Harry sat down, and helped him self to some biscuits.

After Ed had recovered, they got to buissness.

"So this trunk of yours..." said Ed.

"Yes, hes my trunk. Hes killed over two hundred people in his time." Said Harry.

"Really? Two hundred you say?" replied Ed "Amazing, how does he take to avadakerdava?"

Eds words caused a bright green zap to go through the floor. Harry heard a scream downstairs.

"That is the ONLY spell that affects him, but it takes more than one shot to kill him." said Harry.

"Well its bin nice talking" said Harry.

"Yes it has been Jolly fun, we should do this again sometime. Pip Pip cheerio" said Ed.

Harrys Ran out the door. That Ed guy is messed up.

To be continued... 


End file.
